Today is my 47th birthday. I've been waiting to start writing until today for recently I feel I have finally become my true self. It is strange to put it that way as I was always seeking to be authentic, and I was. The way I'd always approached it was to reach back, as far back as I could into my memories, before thoughts if I could, to connect to my essence.
Before I was too aware, before I could care about who I was, what I might become, who was I, really? Where was my bliss then? I could now tell you the story of how, as early as I can remember, my life quest was to be in a never-ending movie. As a child, not knowing that movies had to be made, I imagined that behind the screen was a real world of actors, dancers, musicians, like in Singin' in the Rain. I thought that's what my life would be when I'd be all grown up. But I've told that story before, and I'll have a chance to tell it again, so today I wanted to tell of how, recently, I finally did feel that I had become, that I had crossed over into the movie, beyond the screen. The moment was clear, though the feeling had been with me since the eclipse. You might have felt it too if you were there and aware on April 8th. As you might recall, the moment was as surreal as they get, the light different than usual, white, as if the entire colour spectrum was shinning down upon us at once, as if we'd finally gone over the rainbow. There we stood in this strange light, in this impossible moment. Our minds knew but our eyes could barely believe. And then, the temperature rose back, the sounds settled, and normality seemed to return, or had it?
Ever since that day I feel different, and those I speak to about it feel it too. As if we turned a chapter, or experienced something bigger than ourselves, something that looks and feels like God but is quite simply a connection to the cycles, the movements of the cosmos, which you could say is a way to describe God. We communed, connected with the cosmos, everyone.
Ever since the eclipse I've been more aware, more conscious, as if a squeegee went over my third eye. Suddenly, I am. I was driving over to my studio, to NOMAD, on the Van Horne overpass, as the sun was setting behind the water tower. Its my favourite drive and I often step out of my body as I drive there, which I've done ten thousand times before. Just before I'm over the hill and can see NOMAD's color bars on the facade, I'll get a sense of pride at knowing that I'm about to see the building that I own, the big tv where my dreams come to life, as I'd imagined as a kid, the building, that space, a dream in itself. That pride I so often feel then, on that drive, will often allow me to step out of myself and look at where I am in my life, in that moment in time, and take stock, see where I'm at. Am I where I should be? Who I should be?
And that day driving over the overpass, recently, a few days after the eclipse, I didn't have to step out of myself to see that I was exactly who I needed to be. You'll perhaps find it strange that this vision came to me in the form of three words, two at first : I AM. It was practically written in the sky. And then, right after reading that, I also saw my name. I AM JASON. And I felt such pride in it, in being the one who became me, the one who is Jason. For once it was not a mundane thing, it wasn't just a name. It was my name. And it was the perfect name for it was me and I was perfect. My life was just right. I was at peace with all of my troubles because they were all of my choosing and so I was glad to have them in my life. And I loved the path that I was on, going from home to NOMAD, from your amazing sisters, and from your angelic mother, to my movie life, totally elated at the idea of meeting my friends and having ourselves an ANTENNAE; playing music, dancing, acting, making and living our movies. For you see, son, with you soon arriving in the world, I had become complete.
